Time...

Okay - so I'm starting to feel the distance something awful. The phone calls are just to short and I haven't seen you in three weeks. My heart just aches. I just can't imagine how I'm going to survive the next two weeks... yeah I know... I will. But all my little insecurities start creeping in... does he love me? WHY? How long will he put up with the distance thing.... Has he applied for his passport yet? or will he never travel with me? The ultimate in grande romance - Paris in the spring (oh yeah - I told my manager and he said if he can work it out he'll get me there) would be very lonely without you.
Do I sound like a total nut case? I feel like one. All I can think of is being in your arms... But it's okay -It's Friday so I can think about you for the next two and a half days :-)

About next Friday... I'm quite conflicted. I'm not usually this indecisive about things. It's just that my place is in such disarray I can't figure out which end is up. I won't be going to Buffalo just to bring Mom down. I don't think she's really thinking about the fact she would be riding in my car for over an hour :-). I would be open to the idea if I had a car load to take there. I can't tell until Sunday.
Another point - I don't want you to spend $120 on a room for one night. Your transportation costs will be enough. I checked Hilton properties and the closest one is in Erie PA. That's fine with me but I'm still hesitating and that usually means I need to go with my gut and not force anything to happen. Things will work out for themselves. SO - for right now - our plans will be to meet at the Comfort Inn (I'll get directions shortly) on Saturday 8/21 around 1:00pm. I'll be staying with Mom and Amanda. You will be rooming with Roger unless you were still interested in getting your own room. I'd need to know soon though!

beauty

Okay - to expand on where we didn't go last night. Often I may FEEL sexy or beautiful inside. Hopefully, you perceive and react to that ;-) as I've been told it's not a bad thing. However, I am not so naive to think that the world identifies me on the outside by the way I feel on the inside. That, I believe, is reserved for those who know my inside as well as my outside.

Just in case you were thinking of turning it around - Yup - you are very easy on the eyes. As far as being sexy - I think the biggest factor is that you don't think you are so you don't even try - I know that sounds bazaar but the guys who flex in the mirror and walk around all puffed up are not sexy - just self-absorbed. Your touch, your kiss, your general attentiveness - are very sexy to me. Okay - and the view from behind is really nice too :-)


My shoulder reached my pain threshold today - can't turn my head or lift my arm. I give. Made an appointment with Iveta, the massage therapist in Vestal. So while you are driving the tractor plugging seeds into the soil Friday afternoon - I will be basking in the hands of my very German massuse for an hou

Dad

So I was having trouble sleeping - no wonder huh? i usually try to picture something pleasant and eventually it starts playing itself out. Directed dreaming I think it's called. So I thought of the farm. Although I've never been there, the thought of it is peaceful for me. You're out in the field doing whatever with your dad and Andrew - I'm in the house trying to help your Mom. It occurs to me that your grandmother is there so I think of asking her to show me how she quilts and we start chatting about family. I never learned to crochet from my grandma - she passed before I learned anything more than a chain stich. This conversation lead to talk of my Dad and that was the end of sleep. It's been 11 months. Almost a year. Why does it still hurt at times like it's brand new. Tonight I had to get out of bed - my pillow was too wet and needed some time to dry. Such kind hearted men are true gems. He was surrounded by similar men and you would have fit right in with his merry band of brothers. Maybe that's why I find it so easy to be around you - you seem to possess so many of his best qualities. Kindness, consideration, a willingness to show love however you feel like it at the moment. Empathy... knowing when someone needs a gentle reminder that things will be okay. Nothing is really as bad as it seems and we can conquer things together. I so wish you had known him.. and he, you. He would have grabbed you by the neck and pulled you way down to him and given you a kiss on the cheek you would remember! You knew when he was in the room. He loved large.

Last night's call

It's 6:30am and I can't stop thinking about last night's conversation. I was too tired to talk so I took it to bed and now it's heavy on my mind. You made a broad generalization last night that made me feel like crap. I'm not the type of person to go around lying about things. Whether that was you intention or not, that's what I felt you were saying. I can't think of any other instances so I'm not sure how to respond. In this case - I know I was just exhausted and didn't feel like getting into the details so a flat 'no' was all I could manage to come up with. Sometimes I don't want to talk, I just want to be held. But lying in bed alone I have to take what I can get no matter how mentally or physically exhausted I am. Anything to do with my finances adds to it. Not that the subject is off-limits - that's not right, But talking about credit unions just wasn't where I wanted to go. So I guess the problem is - I blew you off. For that, I apologize. It was rude.

Thoughts from the Atlanta airport

Well I’m sitting in the Atlanta airport. Busiest airport in the world? Maybe not - but those who live here say it is. The concourse I’m on is going through renovations so there are huge tubes pumping in fresh cool air and large fans blowing it around. Like I didn’t have a headache already. So I took two aleve’s and I’m sipping a cappuccino... reminding myself that even though it will be hard, the best thing to do is to stay up. It’s only 7pm here but my body thinks it’s 1 am so actually, I’m not doing to bad. I took a nap on the plane from Stuttgart - just a bit more than and hour I think. Hope I wasn’t snoring too loudly :-) but Scooby Doo Two was lousy anyway. The flight from Stuttgart was uneventful and my feet are very tired. Lots of walking today. The Stuttgart Flughafen is very large. I parked in garage P4 to return the rental and it took me 20 minutes to walk to my terminal. Of course, my travel agency had the terminal listed as number 1 and it took me another 10 minutes of wandering to find Delta over in terminal 3. Not as well organized as Atlanta that’s for sure but security was much easier. One guy random checking bags, and a few mean looking guys with very large machine guns walking around. Very courteous. Customs wasn’t bad over here. They were loaded with people, I think there were three international flights within 15 minutes of each other so things were crowded but moving fast. They didn’t even look at my carefully documented list of the money I spent here. Damn. More than I thought but I got some nice clothes and I gave in on the figurine for Mom. That was almost $70USD... and all your fault of course, you let me talk myself into it (I'm stretching :-) On this leg I’m in the emergency row so I’ll have some extra leg room. I’ll have to remember next time I book a flight to sit there if I can’t get business class.
It’s 7:24est now. All I can think of is when am I going to see you next. Wondering it I did the right thing.. I’m never sure with you... Mr. Hard-To-Read. I really wanted you to be there tonight when I get home. I’m not sure if leaving it up in the air like I did was the right thing to do. Since you worked OT and should already be at your parents by now... I’m thinking no. The balance in this relation ship is so hard. I know you have other responsibilities and it’s 10-12 hours round-trip for just a day together but I miss you so much it hurts. So I tell you - what ever works and leave it up to you. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want you to feel pressured so sometimes I’m not sure if I express my wants and needs enough. I think we both do well understanding what each other’s responsibilities are and what the priorities are... I guess I just want to be higher up on the list. Is that wrong? Don’t get me wrong - I’m not the type to abuse the privilege. I’m just not sure where the line is... I'll shut up about it for now.

And on that note -Thursday part two

I was expecting to see IBM drop a bit during the day today - earnings are being reported after hours today but I thought for sure with Apple pointing to IBM's trouble with the G5 chip, it would affect IBM. Apple is over $33 though.
So did you know student violins are only about $60? I'm sure my fellow hotel patrons might not appreciate it. Actually - for 10 times the price, they make a "silent" violin that is not as broad and has digital pick-ups on the strings so you can use a headset or an amp - how cool is that? I'm really looking forward to a more normal schedule though so I can get back to my evening walks. Can't do that here - it's not that kind of neighborhood. Even with a walk in the evening, I still get board. Think I could learn the violin in 3 years? It's much lighter to carry than my first choice; piano :-)

Thursday - one more night

So one more night in Germany. Yes - from this side three weeks seem to go fast and I'm just getting comfortable and learning my way around, bits and pieces of the language, and yes I wish I had more time but the job has been so stressful that I haven't really had a chance to enjoy it. I just want to see you. I want to be in your arms and feel your breath on the back of my neck when you spoon me all night long.. to hear you breathing beside me, just to know you are there and no matter what we do tomorrow, we do it together, in the same general location, and can seek each other out from time to time to connect for an opinion or a kiss. Are we just really strange that way or do other people do the same thing? I don't need to be in your face all day - that would be annoying for both of us I think. I just want to know that if you need a hand - I can jump in and if one of us thinks of something we read last week we can connect and chat about it. I know our time together is short but this is the stuff I miss and I am glad that we don't get into the elaborate 'vacation' type weekends together because it's the other stuff that I value so much. Okay - don't think you're off the hook yet for Kansas August 6th. Either way it looks like I could be in town for that weekend. I really, really, really want to go with you but I really want to see you this weekend also... I'm buying the buttons for the Spiediefest ($10 each and the concert is included) Sunday so you won't have a choice right?
Okay - I'm going... I need to call Mom. Speak to you on the flip side!

Wenesday night

Hi - So Katrin and I had a long afternoon of going through the nitty gritty details and firing questions at me like I was going to testify tomorrow/Friday and I'm grateful she made me verbalize everything to make sure I'm ready. This nasty little man is going to absolutely flip his lid when he sees the two page datasheet we wrote. Most of it was pretty benign to start with but he keeps cutting me off everytime I try to get info and clarify things he makes things more difficult and less clear - so the manager said. done. write it. So I wrote, and wrote, and wrote and re-wrote. The guy was upset before? Now he's going to have a stroke - either that or lunge over the table at me. I almost wish he would lunge over table. How cool would that be - to pack up and walk out of one of these things? I wonder how many people lose their jobs when that happens. Althought, then no one else at MY company would ever have to deal with him again. What a public servant I am - always making the sacrifices huh?

Enough business - my heart pounding with the thought of what I'll be facing tomorrow... but more important - you and I. You know MYLY - and I keep reminding you when my heart aches and I can take a second out of these crazy busy days I try to let you know. Please don't think it's a habit and I'm just being cute. I do it when I think I'm going to explode - then my chest aches for needing to be against yours. When my arms are limp with wanting to just fall off rather than not find themselves around you NOW.
So all this time spent on my stress these last two + weeks and my schedule... you just keep spinning through your days and your schedule with your grand accomplishements and I feel like it's all about me. What's in it for you? Why are you keeping your butt up until all hours of the night to call this wacko in Germany? I just can't figure out what could possibly keep a guy hanging on... can't be the sex. Don't get enough for that to be the draw :-)

Thoughts

Just sent you a text message.. This has been a strange day - last weekend I stayed in out of sheer anxiety and fear. Yesterday was wonderful but today I just didn't feel like going anywhere. I had everything set for this morning - got up in time and went down for breakfast with my new book (yup - finished the other) and was so enveloped in the book I decided to hang out at the hotel and read for a while since it was cold and rainy anyway. Well, the clouds broke into a beautiful partly cloudy, but still a bit chilly, day. The only problem was, sitting here listening to Chopin reading a good book just seemed like the right thing to do! So I blew of the drive and the lake and had a day of pure nothing but "Under the Tuscan Sun" which I felt was quite ironic sitting in Germany. Had you been here - I would have packed up a picnic lunch and headed out but the thought of seeing the sights alone just didn't tempt me at all. This sucks