Dad

So I was having trouble sleeping - no wonder huh? i usually try to picture something pleasant and eventually it starts playing itself out. Directed dreaming I think it's called. So I thought of the farm. Although I've never been there, the thought of it is peaceful for me. You're out in the field doing whatever with your dad and Andrew - I'm in the house trying to help your Mom. It occurs to me that your grandmother is there so I think of asking her to show me how she quilts and we start chatting about family. I never learned to crochet from my grandma - she passed before I learned anything more than a chain stich. This conversation lead to talk of my Dad and that was the end of sleep. It's been 11 months. Almost a year. Why does it still hurt at times like it's brand new. Tonight I had to get out of bed - my pillow was too wet and needed some time to dry. Such kind hearted men are true gems. He was surrounded by similar men and you would have fit right in with his merry band of brothers. Maybe that's why I find it so easy to be around you - you seem to possess so many of his best qualities. Kindness, consideration, a willingness to show love however you feel like it at the moment. Empathy... knowing when someone needs a gentle reminder that things will be okay. Nothing is really as bad as it seems and we can conquer things together. I so wish you had known him.. and he, you. He would have grabbed you by the neck and pulled you way down to him and given you a kiss on the cheek you would remember! You knew when he was in the room. He loved large.

Last night's call

It's 6:30am and I can't stop thinking about last night's conversation. I was too tired to talk so I took it to bed and now it's heavy on my mind. You made a broad generalization last night that made me feel like crap. I'm not the type of person to go around lying about things. Whether that was you intention or not, that's what I felt you were saying. I can't think of any other instances so I'm not sure how to respond. In this case - I know I was just exhausted and didn't feel like getting into the details so a flat 'no' was all I could manage to come up with. Sometimes I don't want to talk, I just want to be held. But lying in bed alone I have to take what I can get no matter how mentally or physically exhausted I am. Anything to do with my finances adds to it. Not that the subject is off-limits - that's not right, But talking about credit unions just wasn't where I wanted to go. So I guess the problem is - I blew you off. For that, I apologize. It was rude.

Thoughts from the Atlanta airport

Well I’m sitting in the Atlanta airport. Busiest airport in the world? Maybe not - but those who live here say it is. The concourse I’m on is going through renovations so there are huge tubes pumping in fresh cool air and large fans blowing it around. Like I didn’t have a headache already. So I took two aleve’s and I’m sipping a cappuccino... reminding myself that even though it will be hard, the best thing to do is to stay up. It’s only 7pm here but my body thinks it’s 1 am so actually, I’m not doing to bad. I took a nap on the plane from Stuttgart - just a bit more than and hour I think. Hope I wasn’t snoring too loudly :-) but Scooby Doo Two was lousy anyway. The flight from Stuttgart was uneventful and my feet are very tired. Lots of walking today. The Stuttgart Flughafen is very large. I parked in garage P4 to return the rental and it took me 20 minutes to walk to my terminal. Of course, my travel agency had the terminal listed as number 1 and it took me another 10 minutes of wandering to find Delta over in terminal 3. Not as well organized as Atlanta that’s for sure but security was much easier. One guy random checking bags, and a few mean looking guys with very large machine guns walking around. Very courteous. Customs wasn’t bad over here. They were loaded with people, I think there were three international flights within 15 minutes of each other so things were crowded but moving fast. They didn’t even look at my carefully documented list of the money I spent here. Damn. More than I thought but I got some nice clothes and I gave in on the figurine for Mom. That was almost $70USD... and all your fault of course, you let me talk myself into it (I'm stretching :-) On this leg I’m in the emergency row so I’ll have some extra leg room. I’ll have to remember next time I book a flight to sit there if I can’t get business class.
It’s 7:24est now. All I can think of is when am I going to see you next. Wondering it I did the right thing.. I’m never sure with you... Mr. Hard-To-Read. I really wanted you to be there tonight when I get home. I’m not sure if leaving it up in the air like I did was the right thing to do. Since you worked OT and should already be at your parents by now... I’m thinking no. The balance in this relation ship is so hard. I know you have other responsibilities and it’s 10-12 hours round-trip for just a day together but I miss you so much it hurts. So I tell you - what ever works and leave it up to you. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want you to feel pressured so sometimes I’m not sure if I express my wants and needs enough. I think we both do well understanding what each other’s responsibilities are and what the priorities are... I guess I just want to be higher up on the list. Is that wrong? Don’t get me wrong - I’m not the type to abuse the privilege. I’m just not sure where the line is... I'll shut up about it for now.

And on that note -Thursday part two

I was expecting to see IBM drop a bit during the day today - earnings are being reported after hours today but I thought for sure with Apple pointing to IBM's trouble with the G5 chip, it would affect IBM. Apple is over $33 though.
So did you know student violins are only about $60? I'm sure my fellow hotel patrons might not appreciate it. Actually - for 10 times the price, they make a "silent" violin that is not as broad and has digital pick-ups on the strings so you can use a headset or an amp - how cool is that? I'm really looking forward to a more normal schedule though so I can get back to my evening walks. Can't do that here - it's not that kind of neighborhood. Even with a walk in the evening, I still get board. Think I could learn the violin in 3 years? It's much lighter to carry than my first choice; piano :-)

Thursday - one more night

So one more night in Germany. Yes - from this side three weeks seem to go fast and I'm just getting comfortable and learning my way around, bits and pieces of the language, and yes I wish I had more time but the job has been so stressful that I haven't really had a chance to enjoy it. I just want to see you. I want to be in your arms and feel your breath on the back of my neck when you spoon me all night long.. to hear you breathing beside me, just to know you are there and no matter what we do tomorrow, we do it together, in the same general location, and can seek each other out from time to time to connect for an opinion or a kiss. Are we just really strange that way or do other people do the same thing? I don't need to be in your face all day - that would be annoying for both of us I think. I just want to know that if you need a hand - I can jump in and if one of us thinks of something we read last week we can connect and chat about it. I know our time together is short but this is the stuff I miss and I am glad that we don't get into the elaborate 'vacation' type weekends together because it's the other stuff that I value so much. Okay - don't think you're off the hook yet for Kansas August 6th. Either way it looks like I could be in town for that weekend. I really, really, really want to go with you but I really want to see you this weekend also... I'm buying the buttons for the Spiediefest ($10 each and the concert is included) Sunday so you won't have a choice right?
Okay - I'm going... I need to call Mom. Speak to you on the flip side!

Wenesday night

Hi - So Katrin and I had a long afternoon of going through the nitty gritty details and firing questions at me like I was going to testify tomorrow/Friday and I'm grateful she made me verbalize everything to make sure I'm ready. This nasty little man is going to absolutely flip his lid when he sees the two page datasheet we wrote. Most of it was pretty benign to start with but he keeps cutting me off everytime I try to get info and clarify things he makes things more difficult and less clear - so the manager said. done. write it. So I wrote, and wrote, and wrote and re-wrote. The guy was upset before? Now he's going to have a stroke - either that or lunge over the table at me. I almost wish he would lunge over table. How cool would that be - to pack up and walk out of one of these things? I wonder how many people lose their jobs when that happens. Althought, then no one else at MY company would ever have to deal with him again. What a public servant I am - always making the sacrifices huh?

Enough business - my heart pounding with the thought of what I'll be facing tomorrow... but more important - you and I. You know MYLY - and I keep reminding you when my heart aches and I can take a second out of these crazy busy days I try to let you know. Please don't think it's a habit and I'm just being cute. I do it when I think I'm going to explode - then my chest aches for needing to be against yours. When my arms are limp with wanting to just fall off rather than not find themselves around you NOW.
So all this time spent on my stress these last two + weeks and my schedule... you just keep spinning through your days and your schedule with your grand accomplishements and I feel like it's all about me. What's in it for you? Why are you keeping your butt up until all hours of the night to call this wacko in Germany? I just can't figure out what could possibly keep a guy hanging on... can't be the sex. Don't get enough for that to be the draw :-)

Thoughts

Just sent you a text message.. This has been a strange day - last weekend I stayed in out of sheer anxiety and fear. Yesterday was wonderful but today I just didn't feel like going anywhere. I had everything set for this morning - got up in time and went down for breakfast with my new book (yup - finished the other) and was so enveloped in the book I decided to hang out at the hotel and read for a while since it was cold and rainy anyway. Well, the clouds broke into a beautiful partly cloudy, but still a bit chilly, day. The only problem was, sitting here listening to Chopin reading a good book just seemed like the right thing to do! So I blew of the drive and the lake and had a day of pure nothing but "Under the Tuscan Sun" which I felt was quite ironic sitting in Germany. Had you been here - I would have packed up a picnic lunch and headed out but the thought of seeing the sights alone just didn't tempt me at all. This sucks

Stuttgart on a Saturday

Stuttgart.
I have a terrible migrane but I need to get this out while it’s still fresh. Took the train into Stuttgart this morning. The train was worth the 5euros for the trip. The train was clean and no one smelled bad :-) and there were some American’s at the platform so I had help getting my ticket from the ‘automat’ ticket machine. It was actually kind of funny because the natives had more trouble using it then this american guy and his family. Took just about 20 minutes to get to Stuttgart from Oesterfeld (about 15 minutes or away). Stuttgart was incredible. The Germans seem to have this way of integrating life with living. I’m not sure how else to explain it. Yes there was a lot of everyday shoping going on - there was a farmer’s market and a ‘fish market’ which was kind of like a food festival with all sorts of fish prepared just abaout any way you could imagine and lots of ways you would NEVER have imagined, all in the shadow of buildings that were hundreds and hundreds of years old. I walked for hours, down side streets and back to the main road. I saw a Mont Blanc store on this little side road and noticed across the street in this little building that looked like Hanzel and Gretle lived upstairs there was a small Cartier jewelry shop with sparkle in the window that was so beautiful it made my tear up. In the shop next door there were 300 euro shoes and 200euro Louie Vatton (sp?) purses. One block away there was a dollar store! The contrast here is quite thick. New buildings next to old. Castles and museums next to glass and steel office buildings. The main square near Schloss (castle) something or other was filled with tables and beer vendors so I had to stop. I had a brat and a bier. Cost me all of 5euros and it was wonderful (see picture with the wooden tables in the foreground). I sat and listed to a mix of German and English big band and Jazz. On the way back down toward the train station there was a three-woman string trio playing classical music so I had to stop there too. Had my book with me so that was a really nice way to stop and people watch inconspicuously :-) Oh and native american music. Fully decked out trio with traditional instraments - Had to buy the CD. To much money but I listed to it last night and it was worth it. I kept crying - my eyes just would tear up and they would come. It was so wonderful and so beautiful and I'm here alone.

Germany 002

Germany 003

Hydrogen fuel cells, light, etc

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5343023/

Friday in Sindelfingen

Guten Morgen,
Can't help but think about you after speaking this morning. It's a beautiful day here - sunny with a few big cotton-balls in the sky. Yesterday's post sounds terrible doesn't it... I thought about deleting it but I thought you'd notice. Yes - I have moments of fear - what am I doing... is it worth it for you? Keeping you up until half-past midnight so you can talk to me in my sleepy morning state... blowing me away with conspiricy theories. Okay - so that kind of stuff does make me wonder some times... the lack of drywall I can handle, paranoia is a bit different. I think it's tough because my nature says "oh yeah? show me the evidence?" and since it's a phone conversation many miles away, that part doesn't come through to me. All I have is an off hand remark about something that sounds WAY out there and nothing to back it up and let me make my own decision about it - ie - is this guy nuts or do I agree... is that fair?

I can see the mall from my window - the tall building between the two power towers. 

And you didn't like me admiring another guys truck... how's this for something to drool at - a truck AND a bike! 

Yup.. better and the weekend is almost here...

Thursday... Even better today - walked around the mall feeling like a local... very little wandering. I even figured out where the rest rooms were. Talk about great bathroom fixtures... I really like the way they do things here in the WCs. The wet wall is extended the depth of a tile and a corner tile at a nice counter level. In this depth plus the wall depth is the toilet “tank” and most of the waste plumbing for both the toilet and the sink. There’s a 6x8 or so panel type thing that you push in on for a power flush. Very little water and seems quite effective. PLUS there’s nothing on the floor except a tiny part of the bowl base. The rest seems to be either mounted on or through the wall. The sink is mounted on the wall too so the whole feeling is clean and sleek feeling.
The moral of the story... now that I’ve had a chance to take a breath and look around.. it’s really nice here.
Hold on to your seat- this might not come across right at first...
Meeting you feels very bittersweet at times like this. I don’t know how I would have made it through the last week and a half without you to lean on. BUT - I might have felt more like myself from the beginning if I wasn’t on the pill... okay - that was sweet then bitter.
Next. If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t have anyone special to share these experiences with... of course, I also wouldn’t be sitting on my balcony missing you so much I know the meaning of ‘breaks my heart’ because I really can feel the pain. yup.. that was sweet first too.
So what am I trying to say, he asks with a confused look on his face.. well I guess no pain no gain huh? I feel like being able to share this whole adventure with you has made it SO much more worth the effort. This trip has been difficult because of the time difference, I don't feel like I can share as much as I usually would. I feel much more alone and it isn't as much fun when I can't just pick up the cell and call to say HEY- Guess what?? The adventure is twice as much fun when I can share it with you and I REALLY look forward to the time when you can actually JOIN ME in some of these places. THAT would really make it wonderful. Can you handle a little bit of the world sneaking into your life? Head stop spinning yet??? Hey - if life is standing still, are you living?
Me

Getting better I think..

Wednesday
So I gave in and bought a 21e coffee maker (worth the 25usd I think) to go with my 5e a pound Movenpick of Switzerland coffee. Sounds rather extravagant from over there doesn’t it... Sitting here it’s like being in Buffalo and buying Canadian beer... yeah? so what? It’s the country next door! HA - how neat is that? It’s actually very strong but smooth coffee - I’ll check the import laws - maybe I can smuggle some in. Hell - the can alone is cool - very tall brown can - could contain cocoa, could contain coffee, might contain drywall paste :-) although I can put pur arabica and gemahlen/ground together and figure it out.
Okay - yes- I am feeling much more like myself... even charmed the 18 year old at the desk into carrying all my drycleaning up to me room since I had this heavy old wine bottle and glass with me *wink* He was so cute - he was all giggly and blushing when I opened the door - I was going to ask him to bring it in but I think he would have just passed out right there - walking into a woman’s room?? oh my, oh my, oh my LOL
NOW I’m having fun!

Wish I needed two wine glasses though - one for me, one for you...